I really dislike “gripey” blog posts. Today’s topic is going to be a challenge to tackle without coming off entirely that way, because I am feeling a lot about it right now. This is where I go to express uninterrupted, uncluttered thoughts without the influence of criticism though… so here it is.
Right now I am fighting with an asthma cough and pain in my stomach. That’s a result of stress – something I work very hard to avoid in my daily interactions. I started the day aching (thank you, Winter) and had a chore to handle that required dealing with strangers (not an easy thing for me, ever), and my morning started late because it had to accommodate someone else’s schedule as well. I could deal with all of that, if that were all there was.. although it always means I head straight home and lie down for a nap to collect myself. Instead of being able to just deal with my needs today though, my energy was diverted by unnecessary drama. Anyone that knows what autoimmune diseases are like knows that energy is precious, and stress eats it up. The bottom line that I will cut directly to is that no one ever need make assumptions about what I think or believe about anything, or what I want from a situation, or how I am feeling. I am not secretive and deceptive. I WILL TELL YOU. If you are paying attention, it is right there in my words, as plain as they are, without any hidden meanings. If there is no emotional statement, there is no emotion about it. Period. Really, I keep things very simple in communication when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I don’t see the need to veil things in undertones and implications. I find it repulsive and dishonest, in fact. For anyone to do that to me is insulting.
I love all things medical. I have an interest in my own health conditions, and a few things I don’t have personal experience with as well. I like to research, and I study a lot on such topics (pathology in particular). It’s fact more than conjecture in most cases, and the things that are conjecture I approach as though they are. I don’t have an opinion about anything that has documented facts. To me it just is what it is. I have two medical conditions that I have one theory each about, and I am not the only person on the planet that believes what I do about them. I am also not so invested in those theories that I care if anyone says it is otherwise. I feel the same about this as I do about religion and politics. You’re allowed to have a different view on something than my own. It doesn’t affect me in the least. It doesn’t make me mad. I really do not care. In the end, we could ALL have it wrong and it’s something entirely else. Wouldn’t that be funny? I am aware that is possible. So what?
In other words… Why are you tripping?
Right now my efforts in life are entirely centered on the positive changes for my health and the always-open offer to share with others what I find out along the way. That is about eating clean, and about physical activity, and about mental focus – all of the above. I have strong belief in what I am doing because it has made a big difference in my health, and I have seen others prove the same. I have goals that could not be reached without those things. THAT is my primary focus from the time I wake up in the morning, until the time I go to sleep again at night. Drama is not interesting to me in the least. It detracts from my energy for what I need to do right now (and for the rest of my life). It eats up a valuable resource that everyone needs for life in general. I have had enough of it to last me a lifetime. When I tell someone I do not want an argument about something, no I really MEAN THAT. I really mean that I don’t feel invested in a “side” or defending anything. I really mean that I made a statement from what I know and it is what it is, and if it’s not of interest to you then skip it. I really, really mean that I don’t need to be insulted because I see something differently than you do. I don’t sit around thinking up rude things to call people. Don’t do it to me. You know what I mean?
I encounter situations from time to time where people are wound up in a snit, and I have no idea what they are ranting about. The fact is, sitting here at my computer in the evening, I usually have Netflix open so I can watch some documentaries. Facebook is open in another window, when it is actually open, and I don’t sit here staring at Facebook with nothing else to do. I will pause the program I am watching, walk to the other end of the house for a snack, check on my pets, sometimes step outside for fresh air (I hate staying inside continuously with HVAC running), start laundry, or whatever crosses my mind…. and then come back. I am at home a lot of the time, but I do not have television service, and I do not sit a lot for no reason. With all of that back and forth, it stuns me when someone assumes I am emotionally invested in some comment I just posted in passing – whether private or public – to the point that they invent some intent or agenda behind it that never occurred to me at all. I periodically look for messages. Sometimes I respond. Then I go on about my business. Unless it is a focused one on one conversation, that’s the size of it. Obviously I am speaking to a specific situation. It is one that has occurred more than once though… and I am so over it. It gets really old having someone tell me what I feel about something. As if I am oblivious and don’t know what I meant. I think I do. If I think that you are stupid/wrong/whatever, I will say hey.. you’re stupid/wrong/whatever. It doesn’t get any simpler than that. Since I haven’t say to anyone “hey, you’re stupid”, stop assuming you know what’s in my head. (That’s just an example, not a specific.)
Seriously. I have fitness goals, health goals, and adventure goals. Those take a lot of focus. I love my friends that have been supportive during the hardest times, and love even more the ones that are able to adjust to the changes and support where I am at now too. Those would be the few individuals that know me well enough to know that I don’t wake up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, but it doesn’t have to stop me… I still have Lupus. I still have all of it. It just isn’t a reason for me to lie down and quit on my life. This is what is on my mind 95% of the time, no matter what you may think is there. Having a life.
There are precious few with whom I actually discuss how I am feeling day to day. I don’t publicize every little ache and disaster that comes with my illnesses, and there is a really big reason for that. First, it would be pointless, and accomplish nothing, and is not motivating or inspirational to anyone – including myself. Second, I don’t need anything examined that closely about it. I could find something wrong with every single day that I open my eyes if I chose to start it that way. That’s easy. Where does it lead? Not into good places, certainly. I guarantee you that there is always a lot more going on thank I will bring up, that makes my little hikes and workout days very difficult. I don’t need to, BUT just because I am not talking about it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t affect me. Cut me the same slack you give everyone else, in other words. Strong people have feelings too. You may never hear me tell you that I am wounded. I may simply walk away.
I have merely made a choice to focus on moving forward. I have to. Somewhere in that, there are people that do not seem capable of understanding all of the above discussion. If me giving others space when they seem testy is not good enough, oh well. I refuse to stay in close quarters with anyone that is going to be a generator for toxic negative energy and suck the life out my day. If you want to stay friends with me, you cannot do it while assuming there is a hidden agenda in my actions or words either one. If you respect me, this is the area in which it will show. The sky is not falling, Chicken Little. Life is better than that. Keep that as your focus and let go of grudges and issues. Nothing else matters. Just live.