We all make choices according to the goals we have in mind. Whether it’s formally set or something you never share with others, the paths you choose are always influenced by where you want to end up… assuming it’s a genuine heart’s desire. You can fool yourself in the forefront of your mind, but you can’t fool reality. Your choices are affecting.
There are so many things that I would like to be doing, were I allowing impulsive behavior. I made a decision about some things that I want and those require disciplines, not impulses. For some people it’s more important to them to indulge culinary whims, or spend on entertainment, and if that’s what you do then just own it because it’s obvious to everyone anyway. I’ll be sincerely concerned about your well-being if you are careless about the way that you eat, but I’ll at least respect you for being honest about it. We all spend time, energy, and money on frivolous things to one degree or another, and to each their own in that area. Only the very wealthy can do it all, obviously… so the rest of us have to pick specific directions. I am an intertribal dancer and Pow Wows are my one real social connection outside of the online world, and my culture is extremely important to me so it’s good to spend time around other Native people. That’s about all I do besides my training right now in fact, and even that has taken a back seat. I’ve missed several very local events that it just made my heart ache to have to decline attendance. I am however in a hard fight right now to regain balance in my fitness, which directly affects my health conditions, and will totally derail my project goals if I don’t take serious measures.
I am investing in having a better future, better quality of life. Sick TWICE this year already. A cold… and then Influenza A… and feeling truly grateful for no secondary infections. There was a time in my life when that was an expected outcome every single time I caught something. That one improvement is monumental to me. I didn’t need antibiotics. I am however left very fatigued. It’s taking time to recover.
I often miss movies and opt to wait till it’s on Netflix. I miss Pow Wows and just touch base with people online as much as I can. There was an airshow on a recent weekend that I wanted for months to attend but I had to set that aside to stay out of the wind and dust because I’m still coughing. This year was a long awaited super bloom in Death Valley and I was planning to finally go… and then… the flu happened. I quite literally cried a lot of tears over that one. I was not well enough in time. It was 10 years between the last two so who knows when I will have that opportunity again. There are things that someone healthy can choose to take a pill, bundle up, make up sleep later, skip meals or eat junk, etc. etc… and just do, but if I did that it could be devastating in the backlash. So I make choices. Right now a lot of those choices have to do with saying no to social gatherings in favor of energy to get trail walks in. I cannot do both. My focus has to be in one place, especially right now. If someone is a pro athlete, everybody gets that… but they’re not always so understanding for someone like me. This is not something that everyone will understand because if your experience has always been having resilient energy (which is normal), you won’t have a grasp of how chronic fatigue takes over. It’s not resolved instantly by a good night’s rest and anyone that has lived with having it truly wishes that it were that simple. So for someone like me it is a constant routine of having to pick and choose. Often I feel like others will feel slighted like I don’t think they are important. It doesn’t matter if that’s only my perception… it’s how I feel. The truth is that if I don’t take care of this right now… of ME right now… I won’t be able to do anything with anyone. I feel flattened and stalled out and I have to fix that. I do not consider it a good place in life to set up camp. I am trying to claw my way out.
Some decisions are harder than others. I loved having my gym membership initially. Then they closed my location and moved it down the road to a new building and ruined everything. The small pool is indoors. I don’t need to breathe chlorine fumes – I walked in there and it was bad. The treadmills have TVs instead of fans. ??? I have a laundry list of complaints that I won’t go into right now but I left my first visit there deflated, disappointed, and unhappy. I made the decision that a home gym was a better investment so I am dropping my membership. I don’t want to but until finances improve it’s the best choice, because I can’t have both right now. I’m unhappy about the corner it put me in but what could I do? Half the reason I joined the place was the outdoor pool. That’s gone… so there it is. Like so many things, I have to make adjustments again so that I can move forward.
So many mornings before I even open my eyes I am asking myself, “Why am I doing this?” It’s not that I’ve forgotten, or that I don’t have a purpose. It’s just… a very hard thing I am doing. I’ve been asked why I am pushing myself in the way that I am, so that question sometimes bounces back from my own brain. If I don’t have purpose in life that is something that I love in the depths of my soul though, what do I have? From my perspective I don’t yet have the kind of accomplishments that are meaningful… not to me. Maybe just not enough.. or not recent enough. Plus I have all of these other people that I love so very much who want to see me get to the top of Half Dome too, and share that experience with them. So that’s why. It takes me a few minutes once I am up in the morning to center on that.
For the most part all participants in that hike are training and preparing separately as we all live in different cities. Eventually we’ll get some time together but it hasn’t happened very much yet. It just hasn’t all fallen in place quite yet. I know that it will. Some of you have NO idea what I’m talking about because I keep some of my personal life separate from my public campaign and a lot of things private because I too need respite. Various areas of my writing will speak to some people but not others, as always.
In some social circles there is a lot that I am not engaging or responding to right now. I made the decision that my energy is better directed to getting my balance back and speaking about the purpose, and the advocacy projects, rather than being sidetracked into the many irritations that come with life with chronic illness. Many of those things can be easily resolved by not associating with the most negative individuals anyway. I never keep long lists of friends in social media for that reason anyway. Conflicts are bound to occur if you let it get too out of hand. That’s not something that I can deal with right now, and not something that I want to deal with, ever. There has been a lot of introspection for a few days and very little real conversation with anyone. If I’ve only recently given you links to things like my blogs, Twitter account, etc. it is because I am trusting you and inviting you to get to know who I am now and what I do.
Some people never learn to walk away from conflict. As an old BBSer, I’ve seen it a lot over the last 28 years. There are some topics on which I will take a stand when it comes to disabilities and catastrophic illness, if it relates to rights and respect, but at some point you have to know if you are speaking to a brick wall. Some people simply do not care. Karma has their address too though… so don’t sweat that. (That’s also not an invitation to consider that idea gleefully. It’s not your business what happens to them.) Maybe they just aren’t “there” yet. Let it go. Your job is to make sure that your actions are correct. If they actually are, that too will be seen – WITHOUT you having to broadcast it. Sometimes it’s also good to stop and take stock of what you are doing.. just to be sure. That’s about purpose, goals, steps taken, methods, everything. You are the one in charge of which life experiences will receive your investment of energy. Make healthy choices for both your mind and your body. Do it for the right reasons.
Today I feel torn down. The week has been difficult when I don’t feel it should have been. All I can do is start again tomorrow. I’m not looking for any excuses and neither should you.